Narcissists Cause Cognitive Dissonance – Here’s How to Destroy It, For Good

What’s Cognitive Dissonance?

Social psychologist Leon Festinger proposed a idea known as cognitive dissonance to explain how conflicting ideas, beliefs and behaviors could cause an uncomfortable discrepancy. Cognitive dissonance can happen when folks study new info that contradicts their beliefs (belief-disconfirmation), after they act in a manner that contradicts their beliefs probably resulting from anticipated reward or punishment (induced compliance), or after they have interaction in an undesirable exercise to fulfill a desired objective (effort-justification). These uncomfortable discrepancies can compel folks to attempt to resolve the cognitive dissonance by altering their ideas, beliefs or behaviors to revive a way of consistency and stability.

Neuroscience research signifies that cognitive dissonance prompts sure mind areas which have an effect on our decision-making, the processing of our feelings and the avoidance of aversive outcomes, such because the medial prefrontal cortex, the insula and the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex. To resolve cognitive dissonance, folks could do one of many following: 1) change their conduct to resolve the battle 2) change one in all their conflicting ideas in an try to justify persevering with the conduct 3) add different “constant” or consonant ideas to construct a case for one thought over the opposite or 4) reduce the importance of the inconsistency (or dissonant ideas) or growing the importance of consonant ideas.

Cognitive Dissonance and Relationships with Narcissists and Psychopaths

Research signifies that folks in romantic relationships with narcissistic and psychopathic people can expertise PTSD symptoms associated to the connection. Whereas the hurt arising from these relationships is clear, cognitive dissonance remains to be prevalent in a majority of these relationships because of the manipulation and gaslighting survivors are sometimes subjected to. Within the realm of intimate companion violence, studies present that abuse victims who’re bonded to their abusers (abusers who are inclined to have antisocial or narcissistic traits) could resolve cognitive dissonance by minimizing or justifying the abuser’s conduct to deal with the trauma of the abuse, have interaction in self-blame, or reinterpret the aggression in a manner that enables for optimistic emotions in regards to the abuser to proceed (i.e. “They have been simply joking. They didn’t imply it like that”). They might additionally blame the abuse on an exterior supply, reminiscent of substances.

These justifications and leniency are unconscious makes an attempt to resolve cognitive dissonance and have a tendency to make the sufferer extra tolerant of the abuse over time in additional dedicated relationships because of the greater ranges of funding. It’s also clear that narcissistic abusers use gaslighting tactics to blameshift and to evade accountability for his or her abuse, which may instill or exacerbate self-blame.

The way to Cut back/Combat Again Towards Cognitive Dissonance

Listed here are some highly effective methods you’ll be able to cognitively reframe your experiences with a narcissistic or psychopathic abuser to resolve cognitive dissonance in ways in which shield and profit your self as a substitute:

1. Reconcile the variations between the narcissist’s true self and their false self by figuring out that it’s a part of their manipulation.  Figuring out the narcissist’s true self and their false self is vital to resolving cognitive dissonance. Narcissists and psychopaths have interaction in emotional shape-shifting and chameleon-like conduct to dupe their targets. It is because they’re emotionally shallow and don’t expertise the robust feelings or empathy they declare to really feel for others. They will don completely different personas to make you query your self and the mistreatment you’re experiencing. That’s the reason you are inclined to expertise Jekyll and Hyde conduct from them to disorient you and make you stroll on eggshells – as a result of they’re shifting between completely different identities to get their wants met from different folks.

This may create dissonant ideas and beliefs about who the narcissist actually is, and make you have interaction in particular behaviors or rationalizations to “justify” staying within the relationship. For instance, abuse victims could begin to consider that they’re those who’re “inflicting” the narcissist’s conduct when in actuality the narcissistic particular person follows these manipulative patterns with most of their companions. Or they might gaslight themselves into believing that the narcissist is the loving, empathic companion they portrayed themselves to be to start with who “often” will get pissed off and lashes out, minimizing the frequency of the particular abuse. The narcissist will actively add to this cognitive dissonance by blaming you for their abuse and declare that you’re the one one who has ever had this drawback with them.

With a purpose to resolve this dissonance, you could understand that the optimistic qualities the narcissist portrayed to start with is unlikely to be an id your narcissistic companion embodies long-term. See it as an preliminary masks they wore to lure you into the connection – a masks constructed to attraction to your distinctive wants, needs, and needs. As soon as they take this masks off and start to devalue you, you witness their true colours and their lack of empathy and character. It will probably assist to make a listing of the qualities you witnessed of their false self, with a heading like, “The narcissist pretended to be this.” Then, subsequent to this record, write down the qualities you’re experiencing now underneath the heading, “That is who they are surely.”

2. Determine the sunk price fallacy and any worry of “lacking out” of the narcissist’s potential and understand that you don’t miss the narcissist, however relatively who they pretended to be. Within the economics world, the sunk price fallacy is when an individual continues to put money into a conduct, endeavor or endeavor because of the time, vitality, and sources they’ve put into it already, whatever the losses or dangers they’ve incurred and can proceed to incur. Take into consideration all that this poisonous relationship has already price you compared to the meager advantages. The narcissist could have used techniques reminiscent of future faking and love bombing to make you consider of their potential. Now, it’s time to get in contact with the fact of the darkish future that awaits should you proceed to have interaction with them. Learn tales from different survivors who’ve survived this kind of abuse in long-term marriages to higher perceive how a narcissistic or psychopathic particular person can change your life-course trajectory and trigger extreme trauma. Ask your self, what risks and losses will I face in persevering with on this relationship?

Figuring out the narcissist’s true self and the hurt they’ve prompted – and the hurt they are going to inevitably trigger sooner or later – will permit you to take a look at your personal sunk price fallacy extra critically and understand that there isn’t a “payoff” or optimistic return to the funding you’re placing into the connection. Actually, you stand to lose greater than you’ll ever acquire do you have to select to remain in such a relationship. Bear in mind: you might be now not in a relationship with the false persona they depicted to start with – so you can’t anticipate a future with their potential. It’s essential to anticipate the traumatic future that awaits with their true self. You do not miss the narcissist. You miss who they pretended to be.

3.  Study the most typical manipulation techniques and determine those which have been used towards you. If you end up not conscious of the varied manipulation techniques narcissists and psychopaths have interaction in, it’s simple to fall into the entice of self-blame, or minimizing and rationalizing the narcissist’s actions as unintended or simply a part of the spectrum of “regular” human imperfections. Differentiate between regular human flaws and pathological conduct by assessing the techniques narcissists and psychopaths use incessantly to use others. Determine techniques reminiscent of gaslighting, love bombing, hoovering, dog-whistling, projection, countering, jealousy induction and different diversion tactics that narcissists use to maintain you off-kilter and depending on their validation. Write down or recall how every tactic has been used towards you to make you’re feeling like you’re the unworthy one who has been “frightening” the narcissist. In actuality, the narcissist or psychopath has been repeatedly provoking you and going out of their strategy to trigger you misery.

4.  Actuality examine the narcissist’s pity ploys and rationalizations – and your personal justifications of their conduct. Survivors of abuse can fall into the entice of rationalizing the narcissist’s conduct as stemming from uncontrollable anger or reduce abusive incidents.  Ask your self how their behaviors could be unintended in the event that they hardly ever happen in entrance of different witnesses.  For instance, why doesn’t the narcissist or psychopath rage at their boss like they rage at you behind closed doorways, if their conduct is so uncontrollable and out of frustration? Is it as a result of they know they are going to be held accountable and undergo penalties, which suggests they’re totally in charge of their conduct, know proper from fallacious and conscious of what conduct they’ll and may’t get away with? In the event you assume that the narcissist’s childhood trauma is the supply of their conduct, ask your self why a lot research signifies that parental overvaluation, not childhood maltreatment, causes narcissistic traits.

Even when they have been traumatized, why is it that you simply your self or different folks have additionally skilled childhood trauma but don’t harm harmless folks? If the narcissist typically levels pity ploys to persuade you that they’re the sufferer, ask your self why you are at all times the one being harmed? Who’s the true sufferer right here – the one who’s experiencing misery? Why is it that solely the narcissist or psychopath can use something unfavourable that has occurred to them prior to now to justify harming you, when there are complex trauma survivors on the planet who’ve by no means used their historical past to justify harming harmless folks and should even use their previous as an incentive to deal with others extra kindly? You’re an empathic one who extends empathy even to the narcissist harming you – but the narcissist is habitually unempathic and callous towards others. Given this info, who do you suppose is de facto the supply of relationship troubles right here? Questions like these will provide help to to floor your self within the actuality of the narcissist’s willful abuse – and within the true nature of the narcissist.

The Huge Image: Battling cognitive dissonance in a relationship with a narcissist or psychopath could be overwhelming. It may be useful to seek the advice of a trauma-informed psychological well being skilled throughout your therapeutic journey to information you in processing your traumas. Use these workout routines to determine your cognitive dissonance, your conflicting ideas and beliefs in regards to the abusive relationship and clear the psychological fog so you’ll be able to safely exit the connection.